Looking Back over 2007, What a freaking year!

I started out in 2007 at a dream job in Seattle, that was ended up being more job and less dream. I realized that I am definitly not the type that lets their job become their life. While in Settle I was lonely as hell and was just counting the days till I would be back with my sweetheart. One perk of the job in Seattle is that I got to go to Macworld in San Fransisco which was a total blast. I was there for 5 days and got to stay in a great hotel, see some friends that live in the area, and got to see the iPhone introduction in person after waiting in line all night for seats. Shortly after this fun trip I came to the realization that being in Seattle I was not able to support (emotionally) or get the support that I needed while living 200 some miles away from my loved ones, so I put in my 2 weeks notice and shortly after moved back home.

Unfortunately the home I left was not the same home that I returned to and this was devastated. When I left home and those I love it was the hardest decision I had ever made and I had only been gone a few months, but I have learned that a lot can happen in 3 months. When I returned home my relationship with the person I love more than anything in the world was different. In this difficult transition feelings and issues with abandonment, security, support, co-dependence, and much more rose to the surface bringing with it more self-reflection than might be healthy for a few 20 somethings to handle. This re-adjustment period was rocky at best and gut-shredding painful at its worst.

The next few months after this are for the most part a total haze, however around spring break Lace and I went on a really cool road trip across a bunch of states and saw a ton of amazing things. However, things were still very painful and difficult and unfortunately this did not signal a start of good times. To be honest I remember almost nothing from this point until November some 8 months later. I know that I went to work every day, I know that during this time I became an Uncle to the most beautiful baby in the entire world, but other than that nada. Which even though I am sure there is a lot I don’t care to remember during this time, the idea that I don’t remember bothers me. This year I am going to make a goal of writing and keeping track of my time and what I do, like what did I do in the month of September, what was going on, what did I learn, etc.

Anyway, in November I moved out on my own again, but this time not for work. This time I moved out to hopefully find myself while Lace finds herself. We are both very co-dependent and have issues like any relationship, however things got to the point where nothing was getting better, and for the most part I think that in life when things are not getting better then they are getting worse. So at least when we decided to DO SOMETHING and it felt like progress. After this initial decision some days feel great and other are more awful then I care to share. Most days I have no idea how I feel about anything, but I know that I am very alone right now, and it is very difficult. However, during this time I feel that I am learning more about myself, and about life then I have in all my years prior. I know that I am going to look back over this time in my life and see a changed and stronger person. One thing that I am proud of during this time is just “feeling”. I have stayed very busy with work, and business, and misc projects as usual, but I have not filled my time with people. I am alone and I want to feel it, endure it, live it, and maybe even learn to love it.

Since moving out I have got to see what life is like with no one around, no expectations, no conversations about what to do, where to go, etc. This for the most part is a totally new experience with it ups and downs. It has been interesting and taught me much about myself. I have learned that when around others I spend a lot of time thinking about what they are doing, should be doing, etc. while neglecting what I want to do, or paying attention to what I should be doing. I have learned that the co-dependent tendencies I thought I dropped years ago were around and alive as ever. In many ways I have surprised myself and and done more then I expected I would. It has helped me to realize that I know nothing about nearly everything, which on the one hand is terrifying but at least I know that I get to find out a bunch of stuff.

As I look forward to 2008 I know one thing… I know nothing. I don’t know where I will be living, I don’t know what I will be doing, I don’t know if I will be the happiest of the saddest I have ever been. I know nothing, all I can do is focus on today, which is a huge change for me. I used to think about later today, tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year and have ideas and plans all figured out, well no more, which even though it may not sound good, actually is! To often I think we either get stuck in the past or have our heads in the clouds of the future, but rarely do we spend time in today, yet today is all that we have!